It was my first time to France. I imagined tree lined avenues filled with people in cafes drinking coffee and reading books. I knew the cities would be charming, and filled with beautiful things, just like an old black and white movie.
When I arrived, I was surprised to find France in a State of Emergency. They were having what the newspapers called, a "HORRIBLE RAT INVASION." There were rats everywhere. Rats in the subways, rats in the parks, and rats in any place where it was dark. There were rats in the restaurants, so you couldn't even eat, and rats in old buildings along every street. And let me tell you, there are a lot of old buildings in France.
Something had to be done. People were afraid to go outside, and there were reports of missing children. Who knows what could have happened to them? The French government was doing the best it could, but there seemed to be no way to stop the rats. The rats were having babies so fast, and the babies were having babies, and even the babies' babies were having babies by now, so it was all getting quite out of control. THE RATS WERE INVADING!
Experts were flown in from around the world, hoping to find a solution. The Germans had a plan using mini-tanks which sprayed out some kind of green chemical, and the Japanese had a plan that involved remote-control robots. Australia suggested handing out sticks to everyone to smack the rats on the head, and Iceland wanted to use specially constructed Icelandic Ice Bombs.
I had a friend who worked for the Public Service Department, and he was the one who told me all this. I said, "You know, Jean-Marc, I think I have an idea for you. There's a way to get rid of all those rats, without any chemicals, without any bombs, and without anyone getting hurt. It's cheap, clean, and efficient. What do you think?" He said, "Oui, Oui, it sounds great! If you think it will work, you better put in a bid to the government tomorrow like everyone else. I can help you get all the paperwork done."
Of course, the Germans had their plan. The Japanese had their plan. Iceland had their plan, but now I had MY PLAN.
My plan was to use French National pride to create the world's first Army of Cats. I knew that if I could convince the French to accept my idea, their pride would carry it over. Besides, who ever heard of an French Army of Cats before? What a crazy idea.
So what I did was put notices all over the countryside, in all the newspapers, and of course all the pet magazines, to celebrate France's newest holiday. August 5th was proclaimed "French National Cat Appreciation Day." Pot luck picnics and barbecues were arranged in all the parks throughout France. And let me tell you, there are a lot of parks in France. Traffic was stopped for miles and miles and miles around, and people filled the avenues with lawn chairs and coolers, trying to get their cats to the picnic on time.
You can't believe how much food there was, all the sausages, all the pies, all the sauces, and all the cakes! And everyone brought their cats! There were cats everywhere. Cats were playing and having a ball, running around with those little bells ringing around their necks. Oh what a time! We had cat parades and cat dances. There were cat beauty pageants and cat singers. We even invited famous guest cats from around the world to judge all the events. It was unbelievable, Cats in the trees, cats on the stairs, cats on the rooftops, and cats in your hair. There was cat bingo, cat races, and a whole lot of cats napping. Let me tell you, there are a lot of cats in France.
Without a doubt, August 5th was one of the most successful parties in French history, ranking right up there with Bastille Day and the French Revolution.
After the picnic, I collected all the cats from all their owners, and every cat was given a physical right there on the spot by my special team of doctors. They were inspected and inoculated, and given cat tags to wear around their necks. The cat tags had their name, registration number, and addresses written on them. We definitely didn't want any of those cats getting lost. Still, a lot of owners had their problems. They were saying, "What if kitty gets hurt?" "How will I know where kitty is?" "Snookie has to be fed this much." "Poopie has never been out of the house before!" "How are you going to take care of my cat?" "How do I know those awful rats won't hurt Fluffy?" And I said, "Lady, cats are the NATURAL ENEMY of rats. Your cat can take care of himself!" "OK, OK," she said, "But if anything happens to my Fluffy I'm going to get you!" "Lady, are you French or what? You're helping your country during a time of war. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? These rats are a national problem, and it's up to everyone to try and help. " "Hmmmph!" she snorted, "You just make sure Fluffy gets enough milk."
Once word of my idea got out into public, people started sending letters to the editor of the newspaper saying rotten things like, "Who does this foreign guy think he is?" "A cat Army, RUBBISH!" and my favorite, "You'll never get me to go," signed with a paw print. Still, the government believed in me, and they gave me a chance. The president said, "We don't know who you are, sir, but your idea is par excellent." I felt that this was all due to my good friend, Jean-Marc, who put the papers through for me. There was another reason, of course, and that was because I was the cheapest bidder. The Japanese had bid, the Germans had bid, the Americans had bid, and they all proposed complicated and expensive plans, with huge budgets. They were going to come in and spray the entire countryside with chemicals, but you just can't go around spraying like that, because those rats lived in the kitchens, and they lived around the food. They lived in the sewers, and around the water supply, and they were just too close to the human population to risk it. So the government said, "We'll give you ten days," since that's all I had on my visa, and I said, "Great. In ten days I am going to cure this nation of their rat problem."
So we began our work. My officers had on special white uniforms, hard hats, and we all wore combat boots. I carried a bullhorn, and there were four stars on my shoulders signifying my rank as General. We gathered the troops of our freshly recruited Cat Army together, and marched straight into battle. I had detailed plans of the city, with all the major rat infestation areas circled in red. Rats had invaded the subways, the hotels, the restaurants, and all those old buildings. Once again, let me tell you, there are a lot of old buildings in France.
We were ready for battle! Everyone had flashlights that were attached to their hard-hats. We quietly began inspecting those dark dingy places filled with rats. I couldn't speak a word of French, but my officers instantly translated my orders for me. "Repartissez des chats a travers le pays ainsi il y aura toujours un chat sous la main en cas de besoin!" (Distribute these cats throughout the country so there will always be a cat when you need one!) I'd throw a few cats into an infestation area, wait for a second, the rats would scurry out, and the cats would beat them up. It was all over in a few minutes. Clean and efficient. After the battle, we'd collect the dazed rats and dispose of them in our specially designed RDV (Rat Disposal Vehicle). We didn't realize how many rats there really were at first until we got down into the subways. There we were deep underground, and I remember looking down some stairs into a dark room. When we opened the door, I said, "Oh my Gosh! Look at all of them! Yuck!" There were thousands of rats, millions of rats, swarming around and squealing like a regular rat holiday. They controlled the place. The subway trains couldn't run, electrical plants were shut down, food deliveries had to stop, and nothing could happen in France. People were afraid, and the children wouldn't go outside anymore.
"Nous ne seront pas vaincu!" (We shall not be defeated!) I yelled. "Give me ten of those cats!" and I threw them down into the mess, "Yiow! Rowl! Kiah! Screeee! Yike! Slap! Pow! Bang!" They were fighting and screaming, and I ordered, "Throw me more cats, the rats are invading!" We kept throwing cats into the battle, one after another, fifty cats, a hundred cats, a thousand cats, and they fought and screamed and slashed and clawed.
About half of the cats were brave fighters, but the other half were just little pussycats. They ran back out screeching and terrified, cowering behind us. There were all so afraid, the hair on their back sticking straight up. I told them, "You sissy cats! Your job is to fight those dirty rats, and you can't even go down there into battle and protect your country! What kind of cats are you? You are a disgrace. You will be returned to your owners." So we discharged all those sissy cats from the army and sent them back home where they belonged. There was no use in trying to win a war with them on our side.
Now the other cats: the tom cats, the fat cats, the big cats, they were still down there fighting. We had already figured that some of our cats would not do well in combat, but we never thought that half of our army turn out to be such pussycats. According to our statistical research, we expected the average cat to eliminate a certain number of invading rats during a specific period of time. What we didn't realize though was that some cats were really really good fighters, and they could wipe out twice or even three times as many rats as we had imagined. This helped balance out the odds of having a bunch of pussycats in our army.
I remember one time when an officer called me during a battle. I carried an annoying beeper that kept going off whenever I was doing something important. It was really frustrating. He said, "You gotta come over and see this with your own eyes!" So I went over to this other subway station, to see what it was he was talking about. I swung my flashlight around and slowly inspected the area, but couldn't see a thing. Then suddenly out of nowhere there were squealing rats all over the place. The officer turned around and said, "Watch this." Then he threw this one cat down in there. "Yiow! Rowl! Kiah! Screeee! Yike! Slash! Slam! Bang!" It was amazing. He was slashing and bashing, and just destroying everything around him. When he finished, the whole area was littered with unconscious rats. The officer said, "Let me introduce you to Rambo Cat," and Rambo Cat just sat there smiling like nothing had even happened.
After a few days we figured out which cats could really fight and which ones couldn't. Then we sent all the cats who couldn't fight back to their owners. Now we had an incredible army of fearless Commando Cats! We were starting to gain some control over the rats, but there were just so many of them. Besides that, the government was always on my case. They kept calling me. My beeper was always going off, and I had to constantly report back to the Rat Overpopulation Center and the Cat Protection Society. The President kept beeping me for updates, and the press kept asking for field reports. Here I was trying to win a war, running all over the country, and I couldn't speak a word of French, so it was all really frustrating. I was getting scared now, because I only had a few more days left on my contract, and people were starting to doubt me. If I wasn't going to complete my mission, I'd be the biggest, dumbest loser in French history. I could see the headlines now: "CAT ARMY DEFEATED! STUPID GENERAL DEPORTED BY GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS. See story on page 10."
I realized that I had a serious problem on my hands. I was running out of time. So I sped up my efforts, distributing cats all over the place. I had everyone running around like crazy, dropping cats off to fight here, to fight there, and the cats were starting to get tired. They weren't getting enough sleep, and their morale was slipping because they were always fighting. There were just too many rats.
One day I went with my friend, Jean-Marc, to inspect a suspected rat hideout. It was this horrible and smelly, dark sewer. Everything was wet, and there were rats EVERYWHERE. Rats were scurrying all over our feet, and dropping from the pipes over our heads. It was disgusting. "There's just no way to win this war." I said sadly, shaking my head. My friend pat me on the shoulder and said, "You know, I really thought you had a great idea. This idea of defeating the rats with their own natural enemies, cats, then organizing a French Cat Army to destroy the invading Rat Army...it's was a terrific idea, but the problem is there are just too many rats. We don't have enough cats, and I'm afraid you've run out of time, my friend." Then just at that moment, my stupid beeper goes off again. Bzzzzzzz. It was one of those beepers that don't make any noise. Bzzzzzzz. They just vibrate and scare the daylights out of you. So I jerked it around, and was trying to look at the number, but it was too dark, and I dropped it down the sewer. Immediately the rats were all over it, and I couldn't get to the beeper because there were rats climbing over my hand, and up on my arm. "Yuck! Yuck! Get off!", I yelled, jumping back. Suddenly I realized that the rats were in some way attracted to the buzzing of the beeper. It was like they were drawn to the smell of it, and were excited somehow. They would swarm to it like crazy, attacking it, but I didn't know what to make of it. You can imagine how terrified I was, down there in the dark, thinking that at any moment my beeper might go off, then suddenly I'd be surrounded by thousands of vicious killer rats.
I couldn't go to sleep that night. I knew I only had a few days left to finish my contract, and needed to sleep, but I just kept thinking about that beeper incident. It was so horrible. All those stinking rats. Finally I got up and made a long distance call to Taiwan. I placed a special order for ten thousand beepers exactly like mine, and a cellular phone.
The next day all the beepers arrived, and everyone looked at me like I had gone completely insane. I could hear people whispering behind my back, "The pressure must have gotten to him. He's crazy." Maybe I was crazy, but I had A PLAN. I gathered my troops for our final strategic maneuver. We quietly marched into all the rat infested places: the store rooms of the old hotels, the subways, the basement of the museum, the kitchens of some huge restaurants, the sewer behind the train station, and the tunnels beneath the Eiffel Tower. We would all crowd around a rat hideout with the cats ready in our hands. Then I'd throw the beeper down the hole like a grenade, and quickly, I'd dial the number with my cellular phone. There'd be a pause, then a second later the beeper would start buzzing. Bzzzzz. Bzzzzz. Bzzzzz. And suddenly all the rats would scramble out of hiding to attack the beeper. They were crazed by its vibration, and they came out by the thousands, like a mass of moving black fur. I gave the battle order, "Chargez!!" and we threw all the cats in. "Yiow! Rowl! Kiah! Screeee! Yike! Slash! Zash! Jiahhhhhhh" It was a horrible noise! A tremendous battle! and we kept throwing cats onto the seething rats. "Yiahhh! Zaieeee! Wheeesh! Slice! Bash! Smash!"
"Ne laissez pas s'echapper ces rats puants!" (Don't let those rats get away!), I screamed. "Give me more cats!" We went around to all the rat hideouts and did the same thing. First I'd throw the beeper in, then we'd all crowd around with cats in hand. I'd dial the number, wait a second, the rats would run out, then we'd throw the cats in. There was the Rambo Cat, slashing and destroying everything, the fat cats, the mean cats, the tom cats, they were just unstoppable!
Well, in those final three days we completely ended the rat infestation problem in France. My Cat Army had done it! They were amazing! They wiped out the entire stinking rat army, until there wasn't a nasty rat to be seen anywhere. It was safe to go out on the streets again, and people could use the subways freely. Children could go back to school, and the streets of France were once again filled with smiling people in cafes drinking coffee and reading books.
The next day the headlines read, "CAT ARMY DEFEATS RATS!" and "VICTORY IN THE GREAT FRENCH CAT WAR!" and the editorials all talked about this most unusual cat army, and how I was the guy behind the scenes. So ended my first visit to France. I never expected to be the unlikely hero of the strangest war in French history, but now that it was all over, I could go on with my vacation in peace.
THE END
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